It will make an enormous difference in your relationship. Why? Because the things you're holding against yourself, your man, and people from your past are all getting in the way of having the most loving, warm, cherishing relationship possible. If you're angry at your man or yourself, you may be thinking, "There are some things I can never forgive." That's okay-just read and the work will begin.

Who's to Blame

Realizing you're holding something against yourself is the first step to being able to forgive yourself. And forgiveness is necessary because it opens your heart. We all have things we need to forgive ourselves for-and also things we need to forgive others for. We're often reluctant to forgive, however, because we think holding a grudge will protect us from getting hurt again. Being angry feels more powerful than being forgiving because it gives us the illusion of being in control. Yet in reality, to the extent that we are angry, resentful, and holding grudges, our hearts are closed off to love. When our hearts are closed, we can't let in the love that is all around us-and we also can't feel the love we have for others.

Forgiveness Is . . .

Forgiveness is an experience of the heart, a release that creates an opening for love. It is the key to opening your heart to yourself and your man so you can have a luscious, heartfelt relationship. Like Veronica, we all have things to forgive ourselves for. Forgiving means releasing to the past what happened in the past and letting go of old hurts, resentments, and grudges. Each thing we haven't forgiven keeps our hearts closed a little more.

Why forgive?

Because when you haven't forgiven, you are dragging your history around with you into every relationship in your life. It's a heavy load-and yet you're probably accustomed to carrying it, so you might not have realized how much it weighs you down, keeps other people away, and ends up hurting you. Not forgiving ultimately harms you because you won't be able to feel the love you have for others, and you won't be able to feel the love others have for you.

Not forgiving can lead to resentment, anger, blame, guilt, and mistrust. It can keep you repeating patterns from the past, pushing away intimacy, closing yourself off to new experiences, having painful relationships, and not trusting yourself to take care of yourself. You might not have realized how many grudges you're holding against yourself from the past.

Things you might be holding against yourself include:

Breaking someone's heart
Pushing someone away who cared about you
Treating someone with disrespect
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable so someone could hurt you
Allowing yourself to be treated badly
Doing something you wish you hadn't done
Not doing something you wish you had done
Saying something you wish you hadn't said
Not saying something you wish you had said

Of course, it's natural to hold things against yourself. Why do we do it? Out of a natural instinct for self-protection. Holding on to guilt makes us feel as if we've learned a lesson. Not forgiving keeps us feeling safe because we can say to ourselves, "If I hold on to this, then it won't happen again." But you can keep yourself safe from something happening again and yet still forgive yourself. There are two steps to doing this-remembering what happened, and learning from your mistake.

First, remember that you have specific trouble spots. You have a tendency to make certain mistakes in a relationship. Remember, too, that you're living in a trial-and-error universe. It is inevitable that you will make mistakes-it can't be avoided. Yet you don't have to keep making the same mistakes. Remembering keeps you awake to your trouble spots. Tell yourself you'll stay awake to them and notice them. When you remember, you're safe, because you know you don't have to do the same thing again. You can recall what happened last time and choose a different course of action.

Second, realize what you've learned. Your mistakes are where you can learn about what works and doesn't work. When you learn from them, you don't have to repeat them. Once you know you've learned the lesson, you can forgive yourself and move on. Then every experience ends up being a good one to have because it brings you to a better place.

Forgiving will allow you to . . .

Release yourself from the ties of the past
Discover hidden motivations that might have been holding you back
Love yourself more
Love others more
Be able to receive love from others
Accept that we are all human instead of struggling against it
Be better able to relax and enjoy your life
Have more creative energy
Take life more lightly
Have heightened compassion
Know you can trust yourself to do what's good for you
Open your heart so you can have what you want with your man

The following exercise will allow you to release grudges and let go of what's keeping your heart closed off. To forgive, you'll want to go through all the steps, even if you need to take a break and return to it later. You will be glad you did, because you will experience rewards in the form of increased love and satisfaction in your relationship-and in many facets of your life.

How to Forgive

Using the following categories, ask yourself, "What do I want to forgive myself for?"
With family
With friends
With colleagues
With myself
How I've treated myself
Things I've done that I wish I hadn't
Things I haven't done that I wish I had

For each answer, do the following exercise:

1. Hold your hand on your heart.

2. Remind yourself lovingly:
This is a trial-and-error universe.
I won't always get it right.
It's not whether I'm going to have regrets,
it's which regrets I'll have. This is one of them.

3. Compassionately see that you were doing the best you could then-rather than dwelling on what you would do now with the wisdom only hindsight can give you.

4. Remember why you made that decision. You had good reason for it then.

5. Think about what you can learn from this mistake or regret.

6. Are you willing to learn the lesson?

7. Think about what you want to remember from this experience.
a.) Remember that certain people in your life will hurt you in certain ways, and not to expect them to be different next time. People do what they do. It's up to you to remember they do that.
b.) Remember that this is something that you are particularly vulnerable to, probably because of something that happened in childhood. Remember to be awake to read the signs so you can see it coming

8. Imagine a possible time in the future when you can use what you learned. Visualize yourself in that situation doing it differently because of what you've learned.

9. See if there is anything you can do about the issue you're working on now. If so, do it. If not . . .

10. Let it go. Release it to the past. Your heart will open when you do this. You will allow more love in and you will experience more love for others.