This article is written by two relationship experts, Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh, proprietors of Life Works in Greenwich Village, which offers a popular series of seminars that help women and men find each other and build satisfying, long-lasting relationships.
Owning your part is the most important thing you can do to nurture your relationship.
Owning your part is the opposite of blaming. When you blame, you give away your power. When you own your part, you take your power back. When you can look for your part in a situation and own what you've done to contribute in a matter-of-fact way, you are getting rid of the issue of blame. Instead of using your energy figuring out who started it, you can deal with the situation at hand in a loving, efficient manner.
How to Own Your Part
1. Put your hand on your heart. Remember a moment when you felt love for your man.
2. Write yourself the story of what happened in an objective way, stating only the facts. "I did this, he said that, I responded in this way," etc. Reread the story, making sure your story is made up of facts and not interpretations.
3. Look to your history to find the origin of the upset and attend to what needs healing.
4. Be willing to be wrong. You can be wrong and he can be wrong. They are not mutually exclusive!
Own your part. This does not mean blaming yourself. It means seeing your contribution and acknowledging it. That is all. And that is everything! When you own your part, he will be far more likely to own his. Then you can work on a solution together rather than pointing fingers at each other.
You are setting a generous example for your man by having an open heart, being willing to listen to him, being willing to see your part, being willing to stand in his shoes, and being willing to be wrong. Owning your part does not mean letting him off the hook for his part in it. Without a doubt, your man has done things that angered you and said things that hurt you. There is no question that it takes two to tango, and he has his part in it fair and square. Yet focusing on his part in it will keep you frustrated, angry, and resentful. When you are willing to be a generous example, you are an inspiration for him to follow your lead.
Your man is fortunate to be with someone like you-someone who is willing to examine how she contributes to a situation. Yet you're not doing it for him. You're doing it for you, so you can have a happy relationship. You're taking the lead and giving your man a loving approach to respond to.
