exists only in fantasy. When a discussion with your man turns into an argument, it's because you are no longer partners on the same team, wanting each other to be happy. You become opponents trying to defeat one another. The original issue you were discussing has become beside the point, and the problem becomes each other. What can you do instead? Imagine the problem as a ball sitting between you and your man. Remove the ball from between you and set it a few feet away. Then get on the same side of it, as partners. Literally, get up and sit together, holding hands and facing the problem. When you are side by side, you are on the same team. The problem is no longer each other. It is an entity in itself, and it has a name.
Giving him the problem he gives you
When a problem arises where he can't seem to understand your needs or you have opposing needs, what can you do? Give him the problem he is giving you. Giving him back the problem means enlisting his help in finding a solution.
- Vanessa can't stand it that Raymond is always late. It's been bothering her for a while, and they've had several arguments about it. Raymond argues that he always tries his best to be on time, but that he's often running late because of his hectic schedule. Vanessa contends that Raymond should be able to budget his time better so he doesn't keep her waiting.
One night when she's been waiting at a restaurant for half an hour, Vanessa decides she doesn't want to wait for him again and doesn't want to argue about it anymore. When Raymond shows up, she greets him with a kiss and gives him time to settle into his seat.
After they order drinks, Vanessa says, "Honey, I need your help. It's really hard on me when you're late, especially when we make plans for a special date like tonight. I look forward to seeing you at the end of the day, and it's disappointing when you don't show up for so long. Also I get anxious while I'm waiting, and I worry that something's happened to you. It's not a pleasant situation for me. What can we do?"
Vanessa has just given Raymond back the problem he gave her and asked his help in dealing with it. He can now help her come up with a solution instead of having to defend himself against an attack.
Giving your man the problem allows him to be involved. When you include him rather than attack him, he has a chance to come up with an answer. Even if he doesn't have an answer, he will appreciate that you asked. Next time the problem comes up, he will be more understanding and the two of you can approach it as a team rather than as opponents.
Committing to working it out
It takes the two of you with your feet planted firmly inside the relationship in order to work things out. In fact, the only way to see if your relationship is fixable for you both to have your feet in the door for a period of time with no thought of leaving.
Be willing for things to work. Arrange with your man to commit to three months where neither of you will consider leaving. For those three months, act as if your only option is to work it out within the relationship. If you need to, extend the period to six months or more. You both deserve a safe place to work it out where there's no threat of either of you leaving. While you're in your three- or six-month span, have your attitude be, "How are we going to fix it?" Are you willing to do what it takes to have your relationship work out? (And if you aren't willing, why should he be?)
